By Barbara Soderlin
Does your kid lack basic manners? Does he offend everywhere he goes? Does he drive other children out of school?
There have been two interesting stories in the Times lately about the consequences of American children’s bad behavior. The first is about how immigrant parents in Minneapolis are sending their children to charter schools, because the American children at public school are having a bad influence on their kids.
One Somali mother said her boys’ behavior changed after they started going to public school. “They wanted to wear shorts,” she said. “They’d say, ‘Buy me this.’ I said, ‘Where did you guys get this idea you can control me?” So she moved them to a school founded by East Africans. Soon, she had control over her children again. At the new school, children respected their elders, studied and avoided materialistic influences.
The other story was an essay by a pediatrician, about a bad child who was his patient, a kid who’d hit the doctor, scream at his mother, and generally exercise no self-control when it came to interecting with others.
I liked this diagnosis:
“I did not enjoy visits with my rude patient. Despite his generally good health and his normal developmental milestones, I couldn’t help feeling that the adult world had failed to guide and protect him. He was loud and demanding and insistent, but one of his basic needs had not been met: no one had taught him manners.
As a pediatrician, I worry about the trajectories of children’s growth and development: measuring a baby’s head size, weighing a toddler, asking about the language skills of a preschooler. Manners are another side of the journey every child makes from helplessness to autonomy. And a child who learns to manage a little courtesy, even under the pressure of a visit to the doctor, is a child who is operating well in the world, a child with a positive prognosis.”
What does this have to do with education? First, kids’ behavior in school affects the teacher’s ability to control the class, cover the material and impart knowledge. I often think I would love to teach English, journalism and reading to high schoolers — then I think of the discipline part of the job, which wouldn’t be so bad if you knew the parents would back you up. Second, as the pediatrician pointed out, parents’ failure to teach manners actually harms the child in the long run, making it harder for him to get along with others in business and society.
While teachers swear children get worse each year, I don’t buy the argument that bad manners are a new phenomenon. The behavior I watch on Super Nanny every Friday night comes from the same place as what Roald Dahl parodied in one of my favorite childhood books, the 1964 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Remember Veruca Salt, the girl who begged daddy to buy her a squirrel? And Mike Teavee, who watched WAY too much TV? Augustus Gloop, the greedy fat kid? Violet Beauregarde, who can’t stop smacking her gum?
Of course, Dahl makes it clear who’s to blame — the parents, though the children are the ones who suffer. For these ills and others, the pediatrician recommends the tongue-in-cheekily titled, “Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children.” I wonder what local parents observe in their children’s schools and groups of friends. Is bad behavior getting worse? And is it really the parents who need to change, before the parents of well-behaved children start their own charter school?
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